I’m late.
I know.
It’s always in the back of my mind
with conversations like this.
But it’s too close to the front
to stop it from happening.
It’s poor practice
to start with an apology.
But here I am.
I’m sorry.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to say this.
In fact,
I always wish I didn’t have to say this.
Or rather,
I wouldn’t.
I’ve known for a while,
and it’s something
I’ve tried as much as I can
to avoid.
I kept thinking
that maybe it would change,
maybe
It would go away.
I don’t know…
I guess
when I first realised,
it wasn’t that big a deal.
But the more we grew together,
the more I realised
that something wasn’t quite right,
that maybe that thing
I thought I could deal with,
I couldn’t.
So this is me,
trying
to say
something
I couldn’t,
but knowing
I’ve needed to
for longer than
I want to
admit.
I guess it’s fear,
or arrogance.
I wish I knew,
But I don’t.
Before I start,
I want you to know
that this isn’t you.
It’s me.
Cliche.
I know.
But I really tried,
and this is what’s left.
You gave me everything.
Apart from this.
But this,
This
is what I need.
I’ve needed it for some time.
I thought maybe it would be something we’d eventually figure out.
Or maybe I’d get it by myself.
Or maybe it would be something
I could do without.
But now,
I’m sat here,
and all I know
is that
without this,
I can’t keep
being me.
And the me
you once
fell in love with
is slowly dying.
Dying
because of this.
Why now?
Why so late?
Why not next year?
I wish I had an answer,
apart from,
now
I know,
and
I can’t hide it anymore.
Something got too big inside me,
and it needs to find a way out.
I know what you’re thinking:
We can change…
We can’t.
I can’t.
I have.
And I won’t anymore.
Please.
Don’t misunderstand
This isn’t you.
This just is.
And it sucks.
I know this is going to hurt
for a lot longer
than I want to admit.
But sometimes,
you’ve got to do something that hurts you
to survive.
And that’s all this is.
It’s me trying to save something.
Save myself.
Or what’s left of what I
want to be.
I don’t know what comes next.
I wish there was some sunset storyline,
a way the story turns around
a short scene at the end with a happily ever after.
And maybe there is.
Knowing us,
there probably is.
But the way I see it,
it won’t look like the ones so far
the ones where we’re together.
I have to do this.
Part of me wants to say
I’m doing it for us,
but I’m not.
This is for me.
Because that’s what I’m missing.
I’m missing me.
Just know I’m grateful.
So, so grateful
that even though
part of the journey
ends here,
everything
that you taught me,
especially about,
How much I need
this,
comes with me.
With you.
One final gift.
From you.
From someone
who has already
given me
so much.
Thank you.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I love you loads.
Forever yours,
R x