Take my collar
Love, authority and the rights we give up for affection
You took something from me.
No…
I gave it to you.
And you dropped it.
Maybe it wasn’t worth anything.
But to me,
it was.
I thought we were building something.
Like a cake.
You gave me the sponge.
I added the cream.
The jam.
The second layer.
Then I gave it back.
I thought you were going to decorate it.
But then it dropped.
I remember it hitting the floor.
Along with my stomach.
An upside down cake.
I remember watching the rain soak into the sponge.
I thought about those cakes where you pour alcohol over them to make them taste nice.
But this wasn’t that.
This was just rain.
and every drop that landed on it
broke off a small chunk
and made a small puddle inside.
I remember watching the small chunks drift down the side of the pavement.
and thinking,
I wonder how the mice find that stuff
but then I realised that my shoes were soaked too.
and I look up.
And you’re smiling.
And I can’t understand.
But then I realise,
you’re not really there.
I look at your hands,
they’ve got no cake on them.
Normally when you drop a cake you grab it
You get icing on your fingers
or at least a bit of jam or cream
but your hands are empty
and I realise you were never going to hold the cake
it was never your intention.
I look behind you and I realise
You’re not alone
and while I’m stood here in the puddle
watching our cake go down the drain
They are not
They are watching you
Smiling
By now it’s obvious, they don’t even know you bake.
Not long ago I don’t think you did.
But we defineitely do now.
or at least we did.
But even though I can see them
they can’t see me.
they can’t see the cake.
and now I realise,
No one ever will.
WTF IS LOVE?
Love is permission to become someone new. When we love someone por something, we hand them/it the ability to reshape us into the person they/it needs to sustain the deal. Slowly, our identity changes to fit the relationship. Whether it is a person or a needle, we all show the hallmarks of what we love.
I’m sure there are millions of therapists who would argue that healthier boundaries make for more stable relationships. But that isn’t the bargain I make with life when I want love.And, if I wanted to experience the world safely, I wouldn’t have become an artist. And if I wanted to feel the most beautiful things safely, I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to love them.
The privilege of a life this sensitive, of feeling everything this deeply, is that love is something you encounter a lot, you sit next to it, watch it, most people hear about it and chase it once or twice, but in art it’s only round the corner. The problem is that when we are so susceptible to loving anything, whether it be a material or an idea, we grant it authority over who we become.
The hope is that the things we love treat us justly, so that we may grow. The ideal is that two objects love each other so completely that they blend together, grow, and create something they could not have created alone.
The deepest heartbreaks do not come losing people to the game of love. It is realising that the authority you granted them was shared amongst people you didn’t decide on. They passed it on. To their friends. To their audience. To everyone they need approval from. You handed yourself to one person and found yourself governed by a committee.
When someone you love will not be themselves, when they defer to others, you begin a losing game. The authority over who you become is no longer about making you the best person you can be. It is spent keeping the balance between the people they are trying to please and keeping you far enough to not ruin it.
Relationships don’t collapse because of evil. They collapse because agreements change. A lack of safety. A shift in priorities. The discovery that the other person was never as far in as you were.
The cost of love emerges slowly, after the deal has been made. Renegotiation can only happen while the desire is still there. Once the agreement stops being protected, there is very little left to do. You either suffer or leave.
I believe we only get to keep our experiences, and only for the short moments that we have them, before they lead on to the next. The things we buy, the accolades, the money, the investments, the watches begin to own us and define our identity, until it’s all we have left.
I have the fortune of living in both worlds. The one favours the material goods, the things that show your successes and make you feel safe. And the other that values the subjective experience of time passing over us.
I understand that living is a balance between the two, and there is a reality to material safety.
But anything that can be bought, can be bought from you.
or worse, taken.
The only thing people can’t take from you, is the way you experience things. I’ve been on the sharp side of the military. I’ve watched a person’s world become small. Those moments just before they admit it’s all over, and I know how quickly safety can vanish. Those that have felt it know how important it is to cherish every moment, to love and love fully, because we may never get the chance again.
During 2022 and 2023 I interviewed over a hundred people about love. The most interesting were in their mid-forties. Stable relationships, money, families, careers. And still, some of them would tell me about the last person they really understood love with. They remembered the feeling. How they smelled. How they spoke. Most of all, they remembered the mistakes they made, the ones that meant they could never see that person again.
If you find someone you love, I hope you have the courage to savour every moment of it, because the most valuable things in this life end. You may keep the watch. You will still have the boat. You will even have the house and necklace. If you’re really luck you may even keep the dog. But those moments together, where you felt more seen and understood than at any other point in your life, they may only happen once. An after that, you will only have the memories.
Stay safe out there,
peace and love,
R x